Day 12 or Do You Love Yourself

September 13, 2017

It’s day 12. The hardest battle in life is against yourself! That’s what I would call today’s post.

‘Mummy, it’s too tight! Mummy, it’s cold!’ How many times did we say this as a child  and just how many times did we hear back ‘be patient,  it’s not that bad! You’re a big girl/boy now, you must be patient.’? And the little one agrees, holding tight to mummy. And we continue growing up, being patient, listening to those around us but not to ourselves. It is important to listen to yourself and to distinguish the loud cries of ‘I’m tired! I don’t want that! It’s hard!’ from the quiet ‘please take care of me’. It’s the second time on the road that I didn’t listen to myself, I didn’t want to make an extra stop because there were only 2 kilometres left until the stop I set earlier in my mind; I’ll be patient.

I was patient and I was rewarded with two more blisters on my left heel (the left is still not ok, the feminine side) in addition to the two existing ones, seven in total. As a result, there is just not enough space for all my toes in the ‘toe line’, two toes are sticking up, my foot is swollen so much so that I can barely stand on it. There is no choice for me – I am not walking today. Now that’s a huge battle with my Ego. Come on! How come Laila is going to walk, but I have to drive? That won’t count as walked, now will it?! I am crying half of the night out of helplessness, my inner teenager is raging. My inner child and an adult come to help out ‘remember being in hospital theatre, remember when you lost everything and kept staring in one spot, remember breaking your left ankle and your heel  and walking on crutches for a month, in the snow, scared to take another step? Could you imagine then that you’d be walking the Camino you read about when you were a child? No. Correct, because it was yesterday. The only other person you should be comparing yourself to is yourself. You yesterday and you today. 12 days on the road, more than 280km walked, gone through hot and cold, falling and fear of getting lost. Lady! You should be proud of youself! You have to listen to yourself and you have to learn to say STOP.

There are no buses on this route, so I have to take a taxi and that’s creates a hole in my budget, but it’s not deadly (thanks to my  chat support group who lift my spirits, support and encourage me). So early in the morning fog and rain off Laila goes and I am left, waiting for my white limousine. The driver, seeing me limp, demands I show him my leg (I don’t show him my foot,  only my toes and the bleeding heel), he holds his head with his hands and gesticulates me to lie down and not move, yes, I keep nodding as to confirm that that is my plan exactly because the pain is excruciating.

Through my car window I admire the might of the mountains, the valleys, fields of vines, huge and many duvets of clouds…what a pity I can’t be present there.

The drivers asks if I like Spain. I reply that I am in love with it. He gestures to my foot, I answer that it’s not very good, but ‘Me bien’ and smile. The life is beautiful in all it’s colours.

Today I understood that on this road I am learning to say STOP to the opinions of society and to those of certain individuals – what I should be since I do what I do – that I should smile all the time, be witty and be the embodiment of fortune and wisdom. It’s difficult to say NO to those you love, to those who you are responsible for, but then comes a moment when your whole being is starting to protest, the mind is fighting with the body, emotions with the soul, and the man is being torn into pieces. But the society is waiting…give me some, yes you can, you have something to give…That is how the all-mighty-beautiful-stylish-perfect mother is created. Beautiful on the outside, there are way too many of those fake icons with a smiling outside, and a total wreck on the inside. Perhaps that’s our curse, that even though we look for freedom ourselves, we don’t accept those, who have achieved it?

P.S. A practical piece of advice to those intending to walk the Camino – have at least three, better yet four pairs of special thin socks. I have three pairs – two thin ones, one pair of thicker ones. Well, the thicker ones got me in trouble – in how weather, feet get swollen in the mountains, and toes rub against each other really badly. Also, you shouldn’t place the famouse blister plasters onto existing blister – that was one of my mistakes. Anyway! I am trying to manage the damage, admiring mountains out my windows and waiting for my brave colleague!